Share your experiences

If you live with someone who is depressed or who has an anxiety disorder we would like to hear what you have to say. Tell us what it’s like for you, and how you feel you cope. How do you deal with their behaviour. Who else is affected? How do you manage your own thoughts and feelings?

If you would like to take advantage of 3 months personal and confidential email support from Caroline click here.

If you would like to share your experiences with others, click here

This is a lovely vote of thanks:

Helen:
“I do suffer from depression, and my partner is truly amazing, and anyone who cares for someone who is depressed I admire; the strength they find within themselves to help support someone is who emotionally and physically detached is incredible. I would like to stay thank you to everyone who has supported me so far through this journey, I couldn't have done it without you.”

The following email demonstrates how disappointed partners can feel, and how tricky it can be to live with someone who is depressed:

Tina:
“My partner has been diagnosed with depression, and was told he had a chemical imbalance. He's had it for nearly 10 years. We split up nearly 2 years ago - not just because of his depression, but that was a big contributor. When we got back together we were so happy. But a year in, and it's just like it use to be with him contradicting everything I say, repeating himself over and over, telling me all the time how much he hates everything. I just can't do right for doing wrong. I've given up going out with other couples, or us jointly visiting family and friends because he's so negative about everything and criticizes everything I do and say.

What’s really upsetting me is that when we got back together I was very clear that I wanted him to seek help, but that he had to want it too. He has talked to the doctor and was referred to a self help group - but when he rang them he was told they'd been forced to close because of cut backs. This has just added to his misery - he now blames "the useless government" for everything and can barely be bothered to get up and take part in society. Like other people who have shared their experiences on your site, we do have good times, I know we both unconditionally love each other; but I feel so cheated that we've gone back to where we were 5 years ago. I know he can't help it, and I know we don't want to loose each other again. We were both so miserable when we split, but I don't think I can cope with going through it all again. I can't stand my feeling of constant disappointment and envy of others who seem to have perfect relationships. We just seem to be back to square one.

I just feel so helpless and even resentful that we got back together on an understanding that things were going to change for the better and they haven't. I know ultimatums don't help, but I'm fit to burst and just so want everything to be perfect”.

Caroline’s comment:

Tina, I really feel for you, and I know that the disappointment and resentment you feel can be overwhelming. But, in his depression your partner will be consumed with how he thinks and feels, and if you let this get to you – it will. This moaning and groaning and blaming the government for everything is not unusual. As with many people who are depressed or angry, they blame something or someone instead of taking responsibility themselves. This is because they feel so bad, and so lost themselves.

You know, you may not be able to do anything about the way your partner is behaving, but you can choose how you think and feel about it. Although you may feel helpless now, you are not. So I reckon you need to give yourself an emotional break. Be compassionate, but distance yourself emotionally a little so that you avoid being dragged down. This means keeping as upbeat and positive as you can, and avoid paying too much attention to his negative statements. Just acknowledge them and discard them. This in itself will increase your strength and power and ability to cope. And do things for yourself, that make you feel good. You need to think of yourself as a separate package really, and to accept that you have a right to a life outside of your partner’s depression.

Also, avoid envying other people’s relationships Tina. Just do your best to accept that this is how things are for you at the moment. Any of those other couples you mention could go through this one day themselves, and their world too will be shaken. So, take strength from the fact that you are not alone. There are millions of people feeling just as you do. It is tough – I know, but you clearly have a really good insight into all this, and I think your partner is very lucky to have you.

The following emails highlight how important it is for people to share their experiences and to realise they are not alone.

Ella:
“I happened to switch over the TV today and caught the last 2 minutes of your item about people who live with someone who is depressed. My husband has depression and until today felt that no-one understands what its like. I have been unable to talk to friends or family and at times have felt very very alone. I cannot express how relieved I am to have just caught the name of this web site and your your book. I have 3 children and they too have been affected and unfortunately it has been extremely hard and confusing for them. I have cried an awful lot and I feel that now I can talk to not only people who will listen, but will actually understand and know what I am talking about.”

Jane:
“I feel like I have been looking for your book for the last 24 years. I have a bookcase full of self help books and was beginning to feel that I was a victim of emotional abuse until I read your book and realised that it is the Black Dog talking to me. The thing that clinched it for me was the conversation you wrote down using the metaphor of the bizarre board game. This was verbatum the same as many 'conversations' I have had with my husband over many years but especially the last 2. I was beginning o think that I was going mad or speaking a different language altogether. I have become very down and often wondered if I should stay as I feel so hated. My soulmate has turned into a soulhater! It was so good to hear your honest story which mirrors in many ways my experience, and makes me feel less alone. Thank you.”

Caroline’s comment:

Ella, Jane – thank you for your kind comments. I’m so glad that my book is of use to people, and I am pleased to get feedback. It is so important that partners, carers and family members do not feel isolated. The relationship between partners is distinctive for a variety of reasons, and therefore can lead to the partner who’s not depressed feeling more isolated than any other group. So it’s important to feel supported, and to know that you are not alone.

Bob sent this email:

Bob:
“My wife has always suffered badly with pre-menstrual tension, but her low moods are lasting longer than they used to. She cries a lot and says she feels guilty but doesn’t know why. She just seems really down so much of the time. I think she needs some help, but I’m not sure what to do. This has been getting worse for about a year"

Caroline’s comment:

Many women experience pre-menstrual tension, and may behave out of character, but from what you say it could be that there is more to your wife’s behaviour than pre-menstrual tension. I think you’re right Bob, she needs some help, and it is important to get some professional advice. Will your wife talk to her doctor? If she won’t, then maybe you could. Or perhaps there is someone who could have a chat with her – a friend or relative perhaps, who could encourage her to go to her GP?

Several people have emailed expressing concern that their depressed partner will not seek help:

Mary said:
“About 3 weeks ago my lovely husband became extremely withdrawn quite suddenly. He hardly spoke, wouldn't look at me, didn't touch me or kiss me goodbye, wouldn't eat and avoided sex. After a miserable weekend when we hardly spoke I confronted him. He broke down, told me how depressed he was, and said that he felt there was no point to anything. He said he was dragging himself through every day, and was questioning everything in his life.

He refuses to seek help, and if I try to talk to him he tells me to stop fussing and to let him sort it out. He seems unable to appreciate how this is affecting me.”

Angela:
“I'm starting to feel angry that he expects me to just cope with this on my own and wait indefinitely until he gets better. I honestly don't feel that he will without help.”

Christine:
“The hardest thing is that he will not do anything that might help him. He refuses to explore the possibility of having counselling or therapy. Any time I suggest seeking outside help he responds with: 'I don't want to see anyone' or 'I don't need it.' It makes me want to tear my hair out! He sees asking for help as weakness, and not being able to cope as a failure.”

Caroline’s comment:

I empathise with your frustration. It is exasperating when your partner flatly refuses to seek help, and a person who seems to be depressed does need to see the GP in the first instance. This is primarily to eliminate any other causes for their symptoms, such as another illness, or the effects of some medication. I suggest you have a look in my book, as there are tips and suggestions as to how you might best approach this tricky area. Also, is there anyone who might be able to coax them, such as a friend or another family member? I also think that that it may help you to see the doctor on your own to express your concerns, because they may be able to suggest a way forward.

This email demonstrates how tricky it can be to feel able to ask for help:

Hannah:
“My partner and I split up two months ago after being together for four years. I think about him all the time. I feel like I have a black cloud over my head. I feel so empty inside. I cant sleep, and to do any thing is an effort and I cry all the time. I have thought of going to the doctors, but I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want to burden my family with this, and I’d feel awkward talking to my friends. I find it hard writing this but I need to speak to someone that might understand.”

Caroline’s comment:

Hannah, I am so impressed that you’ve contacted me. You have definitely done the right thing.

I would suggest that you do need to speak to your Doctor, because the way that you feel is affecting your life, and I think you need some help and support. Your Doctor will be able to diagnose whether or not you are depressed, and then to help you to start to move forward. Avoid feeling embarrassed about this Hannah – many, many people experience depression. It’s far better to deal with this now, rather than leaving it. You know, you’ve already taken the first step, by asking for help from me. Take strength from that.