Share Your Experiences
If you live with someone who is depressed or who has an anxiety disorder we would like to hear what you have to say. Tell us what it’s like for you, and how you feel you cope. How do you deal with their behaviour. How do you manage your own thoughts and feelings?
Also, if you feel anxious, panicky or depressed yourself, you might like to tell us how you feel. This will help others to understand, and enable you to see that you are certainly not alone.
If you would like to share your experiences with others, click here
Nicola:
I am currently suffering badly from anxiety and depression, or at least that's what I think it is...I woke up one day and felt really out of it and panicky for no reason...I feel like I am going crazy! I have had an episode like this in the past, but I feel worse this time and I don't know which way to turn. I just want to feel like my old self again and be happy. I am frightened of how I feel and don't know what to do.
Caroline's comment:
I know this is horrible for you, but please avoid feeling frightened. Any of the feelings you experience are not unusual. Many, many other people feel similar, and are just as worried as you are. And I’ve been through it myself, when I was in my 20s. But let me reassure you - you won’t feel the way you do for ever, and there are lots of things that can help you.
You know, although this may well be anxiety and/or depression, I think that in the first instance it is important to go the doctor. Your doctor will be able to eliminate anything that may be adding to the way you feel, or even causing it. For example, any other illness or infection or any medication (including the contraceptive pill) could have an effect. Although of course I do not know your circumstances, I have known of women who have had bouts of feeling exceedingly low, and sometimes quite panicky when they are on a contraceptive pill, and when they come off it they feel better quite quickly. This is because of the hormonal changes. (The menopause can have an effect too.)
But, assuming that there are no medical reasons why you feel as you do, your anxiety and feeling as if you are going crazy is likely to be due to a build up of stress – and you may not even realise that you are stressed. The panicky feeling will be a symptom of this.
I don’t know if you have my book: HOW NOT TO WORRY, how to stop anxiety spoiling your life. This gives some clear explanations about anxiety and panic, and also suggests things that you can do to help yourself. There are also lots of case studies which many people find helpful to read.
Your doctor could possibly refer you for some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which is the treatment of choice in the NHS for many anxiety and depression related issues. This works well for many people. And I could offer you hypnotherapy if you wish – all the details are on this website. You may like to browse the 'useful links' page of this site too, because there are several organisations that could be helpful and supportive to you, as well as a selection of well-tried complementary therapies.
But please, whatever you decide Nicola, take strength from the fact that you are not ‘odd,’ and you are most definitely not alone in this, and – that you will feel better in the fullness of time.
Anne:
My husband who is suffering from depression is so insular he doesn’t want to talk to me any more, because he says that Ive heard it all before. All he wants to do is talk about himself - so he doesnt say anything. Also, his consultant is now changing his medication and I am dreading this. I just hope these new tablets give him a boost. He’s been depressed for so long that I cant remember what his real personality is like!
Caroline’s comment:
I can really understand your frustration, and how you wonder where the man that you have known and loved has ‘gone’. Please understand that he is there somewhere, but the behaviour that you see is due to his depression. He probably feels so desperate and emotionally out of control that he just feels he can’t talk about it anymore. It may be that he wants to protect you (when someone is depressed they often feel incredibly guilty because they know that affecting those they love, but they don’t know what to do about it). And/or it may be that he is so fed up that he literally can’t be bothered to speak.
Anne, I think that the best thing for you to do is to accept that you have no control over how your husband is thinking, feeling and behaving. You are not responsible for his depression. But you do have a choice about how you think and feel about it, and how it affects you. So do learn to distance yourself a little emotionally for your own well-being (this does not mean losing compassion however). And make sure that you maintain a life of your own, outside of his depression – this is really important. Also, give yourself a boost whenever you can by doing something you really enjoy.
Magdalena
I have been feeling not myself for about a year now. Sometimes I feel happy, go to the gym, and feel calm. But after a few weeks I start to feel down. I eat for comfort, and disliking myself for doing it, but still I carry on. I have no energy and can't get out of the bed. It really started when my marriage broke down, followed by divorce and then redundancy. I feel that I can't get out of the black hole and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel apart from my 7 years old son who make me keep going. I am for complimentary medicine only, and would never take any chemicals. That's why I haven't seen my GP. I have a lot of friends with similar symptoms. They go to the doctor and are on medication, but I want to help myself by natural means, not with drugs.
Caroline's comment:
Magdalena, I think it is great that you wish to help yourself to feel better using complementary therapy, and there are many ways to treat depression. However, I would urge you to see the doctor in the first instance in order to get a proper diagnosis. This does not mean that you will have to take medication, because the choice is yours. Sometimes the symptoms you experience may be due to another illness or infection, so it is important to get checked out.
Then when other issues have been eliminated, you can choose which ever complementary therapy appeals to you. Make sure that you choose a complementary practitioner who has a good understanding of depression, is properly qualified and who belongs to a recognised professional register. Be sure to ask how much they charge and how many sessions of treatment you are likely to need.
If you would like to find out about some hypnotherapy with me, please contact me by phone and then I can explain everything to you properly.
Jo
I have just ordered a copy of your new book (How Not To Worry) having found your first book (Living with the Black Dog) very helpful. My husband has suffered from depression on and off during the last 20 years or so but this time last year, he had a complete breakdown and tried to commit suicide. It has been a tough 12 months since then with countless hospital visits, endless medication and now ECT to try to bring him out of the deep, dark hole he is stuck in. Some days I wonder how much longer I can cope - I am trying to keep his business going (largely the cause of his breakdown together with financial problems) and have another job in a school to earn some more money. We have two teenage sons and I worry what effect this must be having on them. The eldest is 16 and on the brink of manhood, but I don't see how his father can give him an example of the way forward when he is so preoccupied with his illness and anxiety. I know they say that children grow up 'in spite of their parents', so I am just hoping that will be the case for mine! I am hoping your new book will help my husband (and me) find a way forward and he will be able to face living again without such crippling anxiety.
Thank you for being there and to everyone else who has found your website. It does help to know I am not alone.
Caroline's Comment:
Jo, you will come through you know. It may not feel like it – but you will. And your sons will find their own way. They are fortunate to have you there for them, and I reckon you are doing a brilliant job.
However, you can only do what you can cope with, and it sounds as though you may be doing too much. It’s really important to have some time for yourself on a regular basis, just to give yourself a mental and emotional break. I know this might seem like an impossible suggestion, but there will be some way of weaving it in to your life.
And make a point of sharing your feelings with someone you trust. It helps.
Bob:
My wife has always suffered badly with pre-menstrual tension, but her low moods are lasting longer than they used to. She cries a lot and says she feels guilty but doesn’t know why. She just seems really down so much of the time. I think she needs some help, but I’m not sure what to do. This has been getting worse for about a year.
Caroline’s comment:
Many women experience pre-menstrual tension, and may behave out of character, but from what you say it could be that there is more to your wife’s behaviour than pre-menstrual tension. I think you’re right Bob, she needs some help, and it is important to get some professional advice. Will your wife talk to her doctor? If she won’t, then maybe you could. Or perhaps there is someone who could have a chat with her – a friend or relative perhaps, who could encourage her to go to her GP?
Stacy
When I read your book Living with the Black Dog I had this almost euphoric "oh yes" kind of feeling. It was like for the first time someone understood completely what I was going through. My nan suffered with depression and was often cruel to my mum (her daughter) when she was a child and as an adult. This damaged my mum immensely, and she's suffered with depression. My life was often hell, but as a child you can’t ask for help because it feels like your being disloyal to the ones you love. So you learn to cope with the misery. But I made a pact with myself that I would always be happy, and in some ways I overcompensated and was often hyperactive and over the top – but I was scared of the alternative.
As I got older I seemed to attract people with depression. My first relationship was with someone who was depressed. He didn't realise it at the time but after a few years I noticed all the signs and the mental abuse that often goes with it. He'd phone depressed and say he was going to end his life and I'd rush over to find him absolutely fine and he'd say "what are you doing here"? We eventually split, his decision not mine.
Living with someone who is depressed is hell. If someone has a physical illness, you know that they may or may not get well. At least there is some end to it, but depression just goes on and on it's like living in a nightmare that becomes your reality. I would never wish depression on anyone. I've studied it and obvioulsy have first hand experience of living with it and around it for the last 35 years. It's one of the most misunderstood illnessess there is, but my heart also goes out to all the carers who stay and cope at the expense of their own life. Many say “walk away”, but when you love someone, you don’t. You wouldn't walk away if they had any other illness, and depression is no different. Much luv to caroline carr for a book that made me feel I'm not alone in what I'm going through or how I feel, and much luv to all the sufferers of depression and their carers, We have to stay positive that one day research will be able to find a cure. In the meantime, for all the carers, stay strong.
Caroline's Comment:
What a strong person you are Stacy, and how encouraging that you have taken the trouble to study depression. I am struck by the fact that you feel that you draw people who are depressed to you. I wonder what would happen if you did something that was just for you, and that was really good fun for a few hours as often as possible. Something that absorbed you completely and gave you no time to consider the needs of others. It would be interesting to see if it makes a significant difference. I have a feeling that it might!
Meg:
My partner has been suffering from depression for several years now. We have been together for about 9 years, so I knew him for a couple of years before he started to struggle. He decided to give up work and go back to school a couple of years after I met him. I encouraged him to do this, though he often felt that he was failing, no matter how much positive feedback he got. He succeeded in getting a degree, but was very depressed, had low self esteem and found it hard to celebrate what he has achieved. He still does. He does go to counselling and in on medication. He seems to be getting better bit by bit, in that he does enjoy many more days that he used to. But he has settled into a routine of sleeping for 12-14 hours, going for a walk, doing a bit of housework or DIY, watching TV and starting this again the next day.
But it is still very hard to live with him, as he will not help make decisions and does not have a job. When I go to work each morning, I leave him in bed. I am trying to get him to do some volunteering so that he has a reason to get up in the morning, and I am making some progress at this. I have read extensively around the subject of depression, so I know that his criticisms, inability to get out of bed, headaches and low motivation are part of the illness. I have had some counselling but it is not something I enjoy, though it does help on occasion. But the years go by..We are about to start a family and though he does a lot around the house and is supportive, he says that he is not looking for a job. He has no desire to go out and try anything. He does not feel any responsibility, as I do. So I make plans for the future, try to get on in my job, plan for a family and try and make sure that my life still progresses as I would like it to. I spent a few years waiting for him to get better and join in, but gave that up, in the realization that my life was passing by as I waited.
My main issue is that I seem to feel that this is it. I will always be the one making decisions, planning for the future and earning a living. I want the partner back that I had several years ago. I want some enthusiasm for the future. I want to know if I should just accept the way it is.or should I keep pushing him to get a job and make a contribution? Though he resents this and all it ends up in is arguments. As this has gone on for so many years, maybe this is just the way he will be. I worry that my resentment will get the better of me one day. He knows how I feel but still surprises me by asking "Is anything wrong?" on days when I find it quite difficult. He KNOWS what is wrong as I have told him.
Caroline’s comment:
I can see how deeply frustrating this is for you, and you clearly have a good insight into the situation. It sounds like your partner is doing the best that he feels able to do – as you say, things are moving forward little by little, and this can all take some time. But you cannot make him do anything he does not want to do. He needs to feel that he has created the life he wants to live, and that he’s made his own choices. Is there a mutual friend that you could have a chat to at all? I’m thinking that a word from someone else can sometimes do the trick. Really, there just needs to be a seed sown, something that ‘grabs’ him, that he can take forward himself. As you will know, depression is very much about a feeling of loss of control and identity, so this is why he needs to feel completely responsible for his choices – as a step forward in his recovery.
Now, as for yourself – you talk about waiting, and feeling as if life is passing you by. Yet you talk about starting a family. I think you need to make some clear decisions here. The fact that you worry that your resentment may get the better of you one day, and that “this is the way it will be”, sends alarm bells ringing for me. You may not be able to change a situation, or the way a person behaves, but you do have a choice about how you think and feel about it. This is something that you might like to explore further. I do know that the amount of resentment that builds up can be astonishing, and really, this needs sorting out, because it will not just disappear on its own.
You deserve to have a life outside of your partner’s depression – as I think you understand already, and when you have children this will be of paramount importance, because you will need to keep mentally well and strong for them too.
It strikes me you have done really well so far Meg, and I think your partner is very lucky to have you.
Rachel
I am 29 years old and profoundly deaf. My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety many years ago. We have been together for 12 years. He had a nervous breakdown six years ago and ended up in hospital for 4 weeks. I was absolutely exhausted with it all, and very emotional. I cared continually for my husband, yet I didn't understand why he took everything out on me so much. He screamed, cried, hit himself etc. till 4am in the morning, and then I had to get up for work at 8am. (I was working full time) I don't know how I managed to survive that! The worst years are over now, and he is slowly getting better as he received help from the doctor in the form of medication and couselling. But there was nothing for me.
I decided to move in with my parents this year (2008), as all this was starting to effect me and our young son. I knew I still cared for my husband, and that he was ‘in there somewhere', but I hated what he was doing to us. So while at my parents I searched around for support for me, and then I came across your book. I couldn't believe how similar my situation seemed to be, and I feel I’ve been missing out on years of support that I could have had! I came to understand depression much more, and how to deal with it.
I have moved back home now. My husband seems to be a lot better - but it will take time, as he had so many issues from when he was a child to young adulthood - being brought up in a negative environment - mentally abused and bullied by his grandfather - locked up in his own home - trapped etc. I have started to send my husband positive thoughts frequently. And, I am expecting our second child in 4 weeks time, so I think about and visualize this positively too – to help with my labour!
Thanks for making your book so easy to read. English is not my first language, and being deaf I do find reading English difficult sometimes.
Thanks for making your book so easy to read. English is not my first language, and being deaf I do find reading English difficult sometimes.
Caroline’s comment:
Thank you for saying such lovely things about my book. I’m glad it’s proving useful for you. Now you can take strength from the fact you are not alone. Good health and happiness for the birth of your new baby.
Andreya
Reading others' comments I have mixed feelings of empathy and envy. My partner has been depressed for many years; longer than we have been together. I have never known him not to be depressed so I have no better memories of him to refer to that would be something to try to get back. In a way I feel quite cheated that its never been any different, and he's told me I'm the only one keeping him alive. He doesn't like me to speak to anyone else about this, and yet we're living together and I'm a trainee Art Psychotherapist seeing clients of my own. I've spoken to his GP, taken him to the doctors, prevented him from hurting himself and had him arrested more than once, for his own safety and mine. With his illness comes aggression and jealousy, and I have begun to isolate myself for shame and fear of the inevitable consequences - the endless arguments, the risk-taking behaviours, his running away and getting drunk, going through my things, the accusations, then the hopeless "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve anything and I'm better off dead". I feel manipulated, exhausted and lonely.
Caroline’s comment:
I think this is a tricky situation, because you say that your partner has been depressed for such a long time, so when you first met this was already in place. It sounds like you have done your best to help him, but you know, no matter how much you care about him, he is an adult, and so you do not have to be responsible for him. Obviously when he has been a danger to himself and to you, then you have taken appropriate action, but I think there is a limit to what you can do. I imagine that he feels absolutely terrible – because he has been depressed for so long, and guilty – he is probably aware of how he is treating you, but is so desperate he feels he cannot help it. I don’t know what mental support he is getting, but I would suggest that he would benefit from some professional input (other than you, as you are emotionally involved). If he refuses this, then that is his choice – but it is no help to you.
You really do need support for yourself Andreya, because although your partner does not want you to talk to anyone, you need to be able to ‘offload’ from time to time. This is not about being disloyal, it’s just common sense. Do you have clinical supervision yourself as a therapist? And, I wonder, perhaps you need to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship now. You say that you feel “manipulated, exhausted and lonely”. I’m not surprised – you are going through one hell of a situation here. It sounds as though you have a very good insight into all this, and so seeing it objectively, you might consider:
Is this fair? Is this how you want to live you life? How helpful is this to your work as a therapist? And, very importantly, how might you cope with your own thoughts and feelings, having made a decision which may have a negative impact on your partner.
You may have no control over circumstances, or how another person thinks, feels or behaves, but you do have a choice about how you will let it affect you.
Ray
I would like tell you how living with the black dog was one of the major factors in helping me get out of the wilderness of a 22yr drug addiction and depression. His name is Clyde and he is a 6yr old black Labrador, he is the best thing I ever got in my life, when we go for walks it gives me the thinking time I need to really put things in perspective with the feeling that I am not alone and someone is there who unconditionally love's and accepts me for me. I am training now as a counsellor and have a baby on the way,Clyde has applied for work as a comfort dog and has cured many of their fear of dogs. Living with the black dog! {I would hate to live without him}.
Caroline’s comment:
WOW! What an inspiration! Keep up the good work Ray.
Helen:
I do suffer from depression, and my partner is truly amazing, and anyone who cares for someone who is depressed I admire; the strength they find within themselves to help support someone is who emotionally and physically detached is incredible. I would like to stay thank you to everyone who has supported me so far through this journey, I couldn't have done it without you.
The following email demonstrates how disappointed partners can feel, and how tricky it can be to live with someone who is depressed:
Tina:
My partner has been diagnosed with depression, and was told he had a chemical imbalance. He's had it for nearly 10 years. We split up nearly 2 years ago - not just because of his depression, but that was a big contributor. When we got back together we were so happy. But a year in, and it's just like it use to be with him contradicting everything I say, repeating himself over and over, telling me all the time how much he hates everything. I just can't do right for doing wrong. I've given up going out with other couples, or us jointly visiting family and friends because he's so negative about everything and criticizes everything I do and say.
What’s really upsetting me is that when we got back together I was very clear that I wanted him to seek help, but that he had to want it too. He has talked to the doctor and was referred to a self help group - but when he rang them he was told they'd been forced to close because of cut backs. This has just added to his misery - he now blames "the useless government" for everything and can barely be bothered to get up and take part in society. Like other people who have shared their experiences on your site, we do have good times, I know we both unconditionally love each other; but I feel so cheated that we've gone back to where we were 5 years ago. I know he can't help it, and I know we don't want to loose each other again. We were both so miserable when we split, but I don't think I can cope with going through it all again. I can't stand my feeling of constant disappointment and envy of others who seem to have perfect relationships. We just seem to be back to square one.
I just feel so helpless and even resentful that we got back together on an understanding that things were going to change for the better and they haven't. I know ultimatums don't help, but I'm fit to burst and just so want everything to be perfect.
Caroline’s comment:
Tina, I really feel for you, and I know that the disappointment and resentment you feel can be overwhelming. But, in his depression your partner will be consumed with how he thinks and feels, and if you let this get to you – it will. This moaning and groaning and blaming the government for everything is not unusual. As with many people who are depressed or angry, they blame something or someone instead of taking responsibility themselves. This is because they feel so bad, and so lost themselves.
You know, you may not be able to do anything about the way your partner is behaving, but you can choose how you think and feel about it. Although you may feel helpless now, you are not. So I reckon you need to give yourself an emotional break. Be compassionate, but distance yourself emotionally a little so that you avoid being dragged down. This means keeping as upbeat and positive as you can, and avoid paying too much attention to his negative statements. Just acknowledge them and discard them. This in itself will increase your strength and power and ability to cope. And do things for yourself, that make you feel good. You need to think of yourself as a separate package really, and to accept that you have a right to a life outside of your partner’s depression.
Also, avoid envying other people’s relationships Tina. Just do your best to accept that this is how things are for you at the moment. Any of those other couples you mention could go through this one day themselves, and their world too will be shaken. So, take strength from the fact that you are not alone. There are millions of people feeling just as you do. It is tough – I know, but you clearly have a really good insight into all this, and I think your partner is very lucky to have you.
The following emails highlight how important it is for people to share their experiences and to realise they are not alone.
Ella:
I happened to switch over the TV today and caught the last 2 minutes of your item about people who live with someone who is depressed. My husband has depression and until today felt that no-one understands what its like. I have been unable to talk to friends or family and at times have felt very very alone. I cannot express how relieved I am to have just caught the name of this web site and your your book. I have 3 children and they too have been affected and unfortunately it has been extremely hard and confusing for them. I have cried an awful lot and I feel that now I can talk to not only people who will listen, but will actually understand and know what I am talking about.
Jane:
I feel like I have been looking for your book for the last 24 years. I have a bookcase full of self help books and was beginning to feel that I was a victim of emotional abuse until I read your book and realised that it is the Black Dog talking to me. The thing that clinched it for me was the conversation you wrote down using the metaphor of the bizarre board game. This was verbatum the same as many 'conversations' I have had with my husband over many years but especially the last 2. I was beginning o think that I was going mad or speaking a different language altogether. I have become very down and often wondered if I should stay as I feel so hated. My soulmate has turned into a soulhater! It was so good to hear your honest story which mirrors in many ways my experience, and makes me feel less alone. Thank you.
Caroline’s comment:
Ella, Jane – thank you for your kind comments. I’m so glad that my book is of use to people, and I am pleased to get feedback. It is so important that partners, carers and family members do not feel isolated. The relationship between partners is distinctive for a variety of reasons, and therefore can lead to the partner who’s not depressed feeling more isolated than any other group. So it’s important to feel supported, and to know that you are not alone.
Mary :
About 3 weeks ago my lovely husband became extremely withdrawn quite suddenly. He hardly spoke, wouldn't look at me, didn't touch me or kiss me goodbye, wouldn't eat and avoided sex. After a miserable weekend when we hardly spoke I confronted him. He broke down, told me how depressed he was, and said that he felt there was no point to anything. He said he was dragging himself through every day, and was questioning everything in his life.
He refuses to seek help, and if I try to talk to him he tells me to stop fussing and to let him sort it out. He seems unable to appreciate how this is affecting me.
Angela:
I'm starting to feel angry that he expects me to just cope with this on my own and wait indefinitely until he gets better. I honestly don't feel that he will without help.
Christine:
The hardest thing is that he will not do anything that might help him. He refuses to explore the possibility of having counselling or therapy. Any time I suggest seeking outside help he responds with: 'I don't want to see anyone' or 'I don't need it.' It makes me want to tear my hair out! He sees asking for help as weakness, and not being able to cope as a failure.
Caroline’s comment:
I empathise with your frustration. It is exasperating when your partner flatly refuses to seek help, and a person who seems to be depressed does need to see the GP in the first instance. This is primarily to eliminate any other causes for their symptoms, such as another illness, or the effects of some medication. I suggest you have a look in my book, as there are tips and suggestions as to how you might best approach this tricky area. Also, is there anyone who might be able to coax them, such as a friend or another family member? I also think that that it may help you to see the doctor on your own to express your concerns, because they may be able to suggest a way forward
Hannah:
My partner and I split up two months ago after being together for four years. I think about him all the time. I feel like I have a black cloud over my head. I feel so empty inside. I cant sleep, and to do any thing is an effort and I cry all the time. I have thought of going to the doctors, but I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want to burden my family with this, and I’d feel awkward talking to my friends. I find it hard writing this but I need to speak to someone that might understand.
Caroline’s comment:
Hannah, I am so impressed that you’ve contacted me. You have definitely done the right thing.
I would suggest that you do need to speak to your Doctor, because the way that you feel is affecting your life, and I think you need some help and support. Your Doctor will be able to diagnose whether or not you are depressed, and then to help you to start to move forward. Avoid feeling embarrassed about this Hannah – many, many people experience depression. It’s far better to deal with this now, rather than leaving it. You know, you’ve already taken the first step, by asking for help from me. Take strength from that.
Shoshana
My partner and I have lived together for a little over a year. He is in his late fifties and going through a divorce, He does not believe that he can be helped by anyone other than himself. I think that he is depressed because he has mood changes, he is lazy, watches a lot of TV, has no interests outside of his work. Recently I broke my arm badly, and our relationship has gone downhill severely. I moved from Australia to be with him, and now he has bought me a one-way ticket back there, but I think his actions have come from a depressed state. He has since swung back and is acting lovingly towards me. I was married to a man for twenty years whose symptoms of depression were treated with alcohol, and I am finding it hard to know what is in my better interest to do. I am scared of getting lost in a hopeless situation. How can I learn to manage to live with someone who is in denial of their depression and maintain my own state of mental health?
Caroline’s comment:
The thing that really stands out from your email is the fact that you are “scared of getting lost in a hopeless situation”. The most important thing for you to know is that you may not be able do anything about another person’s behaviour, but you can choose how you think and feel about it. You do not need to feel “lost” as there are steps you can take to protect yourself and keep yourself well. For example, hang on to the things that you enjoy doing, and ensure that you have a life of your own outside of his possible depression. This will help you to maintain your identity.
Shoshana, is there any one that you could chat to about your concerns? A mutual friend maybe? Perhaps that person could have a word with your partner, and that could help to clarify the situation, so that you get some feedback about why he is behaving in this way. And, if appropriate, this person might encourage your partner to seek some help. It often takes someone outside the relationship to provide a catalyst for change.